For dearladydisdain because I love you guy.

[lodessa]

Neville thought it was late when he got back to the boys dormitory after spending the evening wandering the grounds with Luna, but when he arrived everyone else, except Harry, was still out. Harry was perched by the window, cheek pressed up against the glass. He looked up when he heard Neville enter, which was easily noticed because Neville had managed to bump into the corner of Dean's bed and cursed in response. Harry's eyes looked glassy and Neville wondered what Harry was doing sitting up here all by himself.

"Hello Neville" Harry said quietly.

"Hi Harry," Neville replied, "What are you doing up here all alone?"

"Oh Ron and Hermione wanted some 'couple' time" Harry grimaced, turning his face away from Neville as he said it and Neville thought he heard Harry choke back tears.

Neville seated himself next to Harry, "So you've just been sitting up here alone , all night?"

"I just told you so" Harry snapped, "It's not exactly a new pastime for me." Neville looked confused, "That's how I spend the majority of my summers you know... sitting locked up in a room by myself."

Neville had thought that was just a rumor; he'd never heard Harry confirm it himself before. He looked at Harry with newfound sympathy. If Harry noticed though, it didn't console him any.

"Honestly.." he continued, "I don't know why you people bother acting like you understand or something when clearly you don't. Dumbledore didn't make YOU live in a closet under the stairs or people who hated you for 10 years and then force you to go back every summer... DID HE? No. He didn't. Because that's the BEST way to console a kid who has lost his parents to Voldemort , let me tell you. Totally genius and humane plan really..." Harry was ranting now, forgetting anything except his rage, "And those brilliant friends of mine have a great way of making me feel welcome and like they are glad to have me back. They didn't even wait a week to start sneaking off again when I was finally allowed out of the Dursley's and to think I was HAPPY to see THEM..."

Neville sat there, soaking in Harry's anger. He was pretty used to dealing with emotional oubursts that he had nothing to do with but were directed at him anyway. He waited for Harry to get through whatever he was feeling the need to say, knowing that saying anything would just escalate his tantrum.

"Save the WORLD Harry. No you can't do anything YOU want HARRY! AND I AM GOING TO LIE TO YOU FOR 'YOUR OWN GOOD' AND NEARLY GET YOU KILLED AS A RESULT! NO! I AM NOT OKAY AND NEITHER IS THIS UTTER CRAP THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO FEED ME ABOUT YOU DOING YOUR BEST AND..." Suddenly Harry seemed to recognize the face in front of his as Neville's.

"Harry?" Neville looked concerned, seeing Harry's expression soften.

"Oh Neville" I guess I forgot that you didn't say any of those things... it's just tiring. I'm so tired and I can't think straight."
Neville unthinkingly reached out in an effort to confort Harry and placed his hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry looked down at Neville's hand but didn't say anything for a few minutes. Neville thought Harry had calmed back down and was preparing to say something when suddenly Harry jumped up and shouted, "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU NEVILLE! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN! IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S JUST NOT-" Harry gasped, trying to hold back the tears that were creeping from his eyes.

This perplexed Neville. What should have been him? The one who'd defeated Voldemort? Why? The one left to uncaring relatives? What was Harry saying and why? Neville somehow felt that he really was the 'you' in this case, unlike in Harry's last rant. He got up and faced Harry, "What should have been me?" He asked in all earnesty.

"Everything!" Harry sobbed, "EVERYTHING! Clearly it would have been better if it had been someone else... since I'm such a..such a..."
"Harry "Neville said, "You've defeated V-Voldemort twice and you've survived your family's bullying. We'd all like it if you could be a little nicer and more gracious doing it but really I hardly think that I'd be able to do it at all. If the world's fate rested in my hands it would have blown up, like my potions assignments, long ago. Which is one reason why it didn't."

Harry stood there, silent and shaking. Neville took Harry's hands and led him over towards his bed and beckoned him to get in, thinking Harry was just over stressed and tired and needed to sleep it off. He was about to turn away and walk over to his own bed when Harry suddenly reached over and grabbed Neville by the wrist and pulled him towards him, causing Neville to look his balance and fall, catching himself by anchoring his other arm on Harry's bed.

Harry looked at him, a strange expression in his eyes, and then pulled Neville closer until he was close enough to learn over and kiss him ardently. Neville was too suprised to do anything for a moment and then Seamus and Dean's voices could be heard on the stairs, returning from their double date with Lavender and Ginny, and Harry quickly pulled away and yanked Neville back up into a standing position.

Neville turned to see Seamus and Dean enter and when he turned back Harry had buried his face in his pillow and appeared to be sleeping.
Neville endured a few moments of small talk with the other boys, who wanted to wink at him about his conquests with Luna, before excusing himself and pulling the curtains securely around his bed. He was utterly confused and unsure of what on earth Harry had meant, if anything, by pulling him down into that kiss, not to mention his babbling earlier about how "it" should have been Neville. He laid awake thinking for a long time and slept fitfully, dreaming of having to fight the Dark Lord while Luna looked on and smiled, holding an enormous feather and then she and his parents joined in a circle dancing round and round as Harry kissed him and told him 'see, that's how it's meant to be!'.

Neville woke up the next morning to find that Harry was already up and gone. He dressed quickly and made his way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Seeing Harry seated at the Gryffindor table alone, Neville sat down across from him, "Hi Harry." he greeted.

"Oh, hello Neville" Harry said slowly, acting like he had just noticed him, although Neville had seen Harry look up and see him when he entered.

"Feeling any better this morning?"Neville asked.

"Better than what?" Harry snapped, "I'm fine!"

"Sorry...just asking since..."

"Well listen Neville... I've really got to be going." Harry said, hurriedly getting up and darting out of the Great Hall, breakfast half unfinished



Luna saw Neville sitting by himself when she got to the Great Hall and snuck up behind him placing her hands over his eyes. He took her hand and kissed it, starting with the palm and continuing up towards her ellbow. Luna smiled and bent over Neville till her upsidedown face was next to his and kissed him.

"Morning" she grinned.

"Morning" he replied back, "How did you sleep after we parted last night?"

Luna smiled dreamily, "I slept well. " she told him, sitting down beside him and starting to pile food on a plate, "and when I woke up there was sunshine so I came down and found you up, much earlier than usual. My soul wonders why?"

Neville looked at Luna uncomfortably. He hesistated for only a moment though, "Well..." he began, talking in a hushed voice, "Last night when I got back to my dormitory everyone was still out except Harry. Apparently he felt like Ron and Hermione were leaving him out and thought it was better to sulk there than do anything. I felt sorry that he was so alone but then he started yelling at me, like I've seen him do to Ron or Hermione before, something very unrelated to our conversation or me at all. I thought he'd cooled down and was trying to think of something consoling to say when he yelled at me , something about that it should have been me and not him...what I don't know. Finally he went silent and I thought he should go to bed but..."

Luna looked at him, waiting calmly for the conclusion of the sentance. She was used to Neville's difficulty in coming straight to the point by now.

"Well, I was just about to leave him and go to bed myself when Harry grabbed me and well he... he kissed me." Neville managed to finish.

Luna was silent for little, while she finished up her pancakes, then she spoke, "Harry needs assurance, and there's nothing anyone can say that can give it to him. None of us can understand what it's like to be Harry, just like no one else can understand what it is like to be you." She told Neville, pensively sipping at her orange juice. Hermione's logic failed for this reason Luna thought. She theorectially knew what Harry's been through, but she could not experience it hereself and her thinking that she understood merely made Harry feel less accepted, like someone is trying to force his experience to be something it's not. "Trying to understand does no good, what Harry needs is acceptance, unconditional acceptance. I think somehow he feels you could give that to him, but it can't be done in words."

Luna looked at Neville, wondering if he understood what she was saying. She thought he still looked confused, but less distraught.
Luna had sensed for a long time that Harry needed something, but she had, perhaps, overlooked that it might be Neville he needed it from. Luna smiled sadly, she would gladly have helped Harry. Perhaps it was better this way though.

"This morning..." Neville said softly, "I think Harry was avoiding me."

"He's afraid" Luna leaned over and kissed Neville's hair, "He put himself out there last night and I don't think he meant to."

Neville looked at Luna, perplexed, "What should I do?" he asked.

"What do you want to do?" Luna asked. She didn't want to push Neville.

"I'm not sure but I can't just ignore it like it seems like Harry wants to."

"Did you like Harry's kiss?" she asked, not in any way accusing but merely interested.

Neville sat there for a minute thinking, "I'm not sure exactly. I didn't mind it, but I was far too confused at the time to think about it much. It was... different than I would have expected. I mean had I ever thought that Harry would kiss me, which I didn't, it wouldn't
have been like that."

Luna saw Neville look up for approval. She kissed him softly, "I think that is an important question Neville." she told him. Whether Neville enjoyed kissing Harry or not was actually central to the whole situation. If he didn't then there was really nothing to discuss, but if he did than there was an awful lot that needed discussing.

"I'm going to go look for blue tailed salamanders by the lake." Luna told Neville, kissing him and standing up. "I'll meet you at one for lunch okay?"

Neville nodded. Luna thought he looked wounded. "You need to think about it." She told him.

She knew he was worried and she didn't know how to tell him not to be, that she wasn't worried about the possibility of his being attracted to Harry, if perhaps a bit jealous that Harry was attracted back. It wasn't that Luna was dissatisfied with her relationship with Neville. He made her feel warm and less disconnected from the rest of the world. Neville seemed to appreciate Luna's way of looking at things, and the gentle caring way that he did everything made it easy for Luna to relax and be herself around him, rather than hinting at things with single sentence answers that confused and mystefied more than explained. Luna adored Neville and everything they had, but that didn't mean there weren't other ways that it could be, and Luna had sense enough to embrace those possibilities rather than fight them. Luna had always seem a possibility for Harry... for her. She wasn't one to pretend things weren't what they were and Harry had his appeal... a different appeal than Neville. She hadn't been thinking about it lately, since she was pretty sure that her relationship with Neville and one with Harry would be mutually exclusive. Harry had seemed like a distraught, but not overly interested, mess anyway.
Speaking of the mess, Luna saw Harry sitting under a tree on the lakesore, tossing a snitch back and forth between his hands dejectedly.

She walked over to where he was and commented, "I don't think I'd like being thrown so roughly, like you're throwing that
snitch."

Harry looked up, obviously startled. When he saw it was Luna a strange expression crossed his face.

Luna paid no heed to Harry's expression and sat down next to him, plucking the snitch from his hands and encircling it with her own.
"Sometimes if you just hold it down gently, it will stop fighting" she commented, as under the gentle pressure of her fingers the snitch did just that.

Harry looked perplexed, like he was waiting for the punch line. Luna thought to herself that Harry was a lot like the snitch himself, needing to be held until he calmed himself. She was pretty sure, from his reaction, that he didn't see that himself.



Harry stared a Luna, like a deer in headlights. He wasn't sure where this was going but he was pretty sure it was Luna's form of a guilt trip for his having kissed her boyfriend the night before. Neville had surely told Luna, made uncomfortable and bothered by it
undoubtedly and now Luna was here to make Harry pay for upsetting her precious. Or maybe Luna was just crazy enough to have some other reason for being there. Harry didn't know and he wasn't sure he wanted to. He just wanted out... to be left alone and for his thoughts to go off too, along with the other people.

He closed his eyes, hoping when he opened them that Luna would be gone. He quickly had to reopen them, since when they were closed the memory of the night before came into focus. She was still there, staring at him with her unnervingly wide eyes.

"Would you just leave me alone!" he stormed, snatching the snitch from Luna's hand and standing up to leave.

Luna just sat there, looking at him with a sort of sad understanding look that infuriated Harry. "Seriously what is your problem? Always being so elusive and acting like you are above everything. I KNOW you sought me out, so why don't you just admit it and get to the point instead of wandering around it!"

" I didn't seek you out Harry." Luna replied camly, "My point is: do you need to be held like the snitch Harry?"

Harry was even more confused. Was Luna hitting on him? The thought hadn't occured to him before that she might actually be interested in him, and well she was dating Neville. Maybe she really was completely off her rocker. Then again, maybe she was right and he did just need to be held. If that was so then the night before was easily explained and it had all been a mistake and nothing more. There was only one way to find out.

Harry knelt down and kissed Luna. She kissed him back but the kiss was elusive, ghostlike. He felt like he couldn't quite posess her lips and it left him feeling all the more frustrated. He broke away and hurried off to a more remote part of the grounds.

Finding a particularly thick clump of bushes that he figured no one would think to look for him behind, Harry sank down to the ground and put his face in his hands. Clearly it wasn't just anyone that he was yearning for. The night before he had thought he was just tired and lonely but, having kissed Luna today and found it dissatisfying, Harry was beginning to think that perhaps he had really wanted to kiss Neville.
Neville? Clumsy, bumbling, forgetful Neville? No. Thoughtful, persistant, accepting, appreciative Neville. Harry's head began to swim again and he didn't want to think about it. He had enough things to worry about without this, like saving the world from a homicidal maniac for instance. Why couldn't people just let him be and support him instead of constantly demanding.

Harry figured he'd sneak back to the dormitory early, look asleep before Neville returned so he wouldn't have to talk about it, but when he got there Neville was already there, sitting on Harry's bed. He'd clearly been waiting for him.

"I really don't appreciate you treating me like I don't have feelings Harry." Neville said, "Because I do."

"Listen Neville, I'm sorry about last night..."

"Why? Because now I'm here bothering you?"

"Because..because I just don't think... I...shouldn't have-"

Harry found his words stopped as Neville's hands reached for his waist and Neville's mouth found his own. Neville's kiss was gentle but firm and Harry found himself stepping towards Neville and wrapping his arms around his neck and suddenly how forgot his scar hurt and his parents were dead and that Dumbledore had kept things from him. Neville was here and everything was alright; the world had stopped spinning for the moment.


I hope you like it guy. It didn't turn out how I'd meant it to but hopefully it's alright.

Mirah - gone sugaring

Comments

[hobviously.livejournal.com]

Awwww yay. It's funny to read now that HBP has come and defied all our expectations for how year six would turn out, although I think you were a bit trigger happy with the capslock of doom even so. I love them all and want to cuddle them and have them cuddle. And Luna is the glue! Yay Luna! Yay you!

Thank you so much guy.

[lodessa.livejournal.com]

Yeah reading over it again I was a bit capslock happy, but that was kind of crucial as a motivating factor... and besides... I introduced Harry with his cheek pressed against the window. Just like in hbp... so that has to count for something.

and you are welcome guy. I am glad you finally read it and you didn't hate it.

[hobviously.livejournal.com]

I noticed!

Now go read my Luna ficlet!

P.S. I am making a Denial icon. argh.

[lodessa.livejournal.com]

we need to make denial hats too.
I actually read the ficlet... am just waiting for more intersting comment ideas.