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lodessaTitle: Last Chances
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Snape/Lily
Rating: R
Word Count: 3,822
Summary: The night before they leave Hogwarts, Snape stumbles across Lily in the library.
Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eruwen310780. Sorry it took me almost 6 months to get this finished.
Much thanks tojuushika for the wonderful beta job.
When Severus left the leaving feast early he thought it was only appropriate. It was after all the Leaving Feast. Indeed, he was eager to leave. Apparently he wasn't the only one, he observed as he walked past others huddled together in corners. Severus found his way to the library, suspecting that there wouldn't be anyone there. Initially he thought his prediction was correct, but then he saw the familiar glint of red hair. Lily Evans was huddled in a corner, face buried in a book. Severus was about to turn around and continue searching for solitude but at that moment she looked up.
Too late, Severus realized as a gentle smile played across her lips. He noticed they were stained a deep crimson rather than their customary natural pink. Why had she gone to the trouble to get all done up and then fled the feast to hide in a book? It was a sad sort of smile, one that begged kindness. Had any of his friends, or hers for that matter, been present, Severus would have crushed that gentle hope, but instead he sat down where she indicated. Tomorrow they were leaving Hogwarts forever. It wasn't like he'd even see her again. They still hadn't said anything, but that suited Severus just fine. Later in his life, he would perfect the use of words as weapons, but at this point they still turned against him most of the time. No, silence was better, silence and equations and certainties.
Evans was watching him. She had put on eye makeup as well as lipstick, but it was smeared. What are you up to, Evans? Severus wondered. She generally faced the world without any of that feminine nonsense. He wasn't sure what he had gotten himself into. Her hand curled around his own. He inwardly flinched, but outwardly appeared calm. He tried to remember the last time someone had touched him intentionally, other than when throwing a punch. His mother had long since stopped trying; since, he’d made it clear that her touch was hateful to him. Lily's thumb traced gentle circles on his wrist.
Evans was a Mudblood. She would see the step he was going to take tomorrow as a commitment to destroy her kind ... his kind. That was the verbiage, but Severus saw that it was something else. The abomination was Evans' ridiculous attachment to her tainted flesh. Severus did everything possible to cleanse himself of the imprint his filthy Muggle father had left on him. He no more thought of it as self-hate than a penitent Catholic thinks scourging himself is sinful. But Evans held fast to the Muggle part of her identity.
Severus remembered when he had found signs that she had wizarding ancestors. He had been young and naïve enough to think she would be pleased. Instead she'd snapped that she didn’t care about blood and she wasn’t going to be any more proud of wizarding heritage than she was of her Muggle ancestry. Perhaps he might have tried harder, but Severus' pride was brittle and would book no such abuse. Still, it was a waste, Severus thought. Together they could have been great, possibly found the cure for lycanthropy. Working well with others has never been his strong point though, so he had tossed it out long ago, along with the disgusting reality of his Muggle origins.
I should leave, he thought, as Lily leaned her head against him. He lacked the words to make her change, to make her understand. It could have been an awe-inspiring werewolf-less future. Instead there is was only the imminent departure of Lily Evans from Severus Snape's world. The thing to do was to hasten that end, to have it be it right here and right now. Except, Lily's breath was hot on his neck. She looked up at him, her eyes wild and bright, locking onto his, which are burned out and beaten down.
"James wants to marry me." she said.
Severus wanted to punch something. Potter was going to get everything he ever wanted, and Severus couldn't stand it. Except, if Potter had proposed, why was Lily hiding in the library with a tearstained face? It didn't make any sense, unless she had refused him. Severus immediately felt better, although he wasn't sure why. He did love the idea of Potter being rejected, but that hardly accounted for his feeling of glee. Besides, even if Lily, if Evans, had refused him, it's not like it's a final answer, he reminded himself. Severus knew she’d sworn she'd rather date the giant squid than James Potter...yet clearly she’d changed her mind on that decision or James wouldn't be proposing. Of course she had, Severus had seen them, seen Evans’ body oriented towards Potter’s, leaning in towards Potter like she was leaning in towards him now. Only he is not Potter.
Potter likes to keep her down. He likes her to stay handicapped and weak, so that she needs him. That way he can feel like a hero. Truth is, Evans let herself be held in; if she wanted to, she could best Potter. Severus wished she would.
"If you're expecting that I am going to tell you I think it's wonderful, you are going to be disappointed." he replied, staring at the ground. He should have left already.
Lily's lips brushed up against his skin, "That isn't want I want from you." she murmured.
Severus wasn't sure if he wanted to hit her or whether he wanted something else entirely. "What is it you do want from me then, Evans?" he asked, exasperated, moving away from her.
“We’re graduating,” Lily said. “From now on, our choices matter.”
“They've always mattered,” he snapped back.
“It’s not too late.” she told him, and suddenly he knew what it is she wanted. She was asking too much, prompted no doubt by her misguided ideas about the world.
“No, it’s isn’t.” He replied, with a very different intention than the gentle one she was suggesting. She wanted him to relinquish his cause, but he responded as if she was offering to change sides instead. It was true that she could still change her mind, even though he suspected she would not.
“Why are you choosing a path that means you have to hate me?”
“It doesn’t have to be like that. You could change it. Talent is always rewarded.” Severus insisted, desperately willing her to free herself of the silly ideals that were holding her back. Greatness was at their fingertips.
“So could you,” she pleaded, grasping his hand .
“What? So I can dance at your wedding to Potter?”
“Forget about James. This isn’t about him.”
“It is about him. You’re trying to turn me into him,” he retorted, turning away from her.
“No. Honestly Severus, I’m not.”
“What are you doing then? Who do you think you are to come in and try and change everything about me? I don’t want to change you. Don’t you see that’s what Potter’s trying to do?”
“James loves me.” Lily insisted, but Severus found some satisfaction in the way her voice faltered ever so slightly. She was sure of James’ feelings for her, but the slight hesitation betrayed that she wasn't so sure she felt the same way about him.
“If he loves you, how can he want you to give up your future?”
“How do you know he does?
“How can I not? He wants to tie you down to a house and baby. Don’t you want more from the world than that?”
“So that’s your advice. Stay away from men because they are always going to want to cage me in?”
“Not all men.” Severus felt his dignity evaporating. Why hadn’t he had the good sense to get away from her before it was too late?
Lily reached her hand out towards him, thumb tracing the line of his jaw. Severus wondered if this was what she was like with Potter. He wondered what it would be like to be Potter, to be with Lily. In the dim light, her lips looked blood red, like a warning. Severus knew he shouldn't be here. Lily Evans wasn't going to change for him. She probably wouldn't even be talking to him if she weren’t so distraught. Her green eyes flashed like the jeweled eyes on the serpent mosaic in the Slytherin common room, the eyes that always seem to be watching.
Severus didn't know much about girls. Generally they were more inclined to laugh at him than anything else. Lily had always been different, but Severus still couldn’t trust her presence here in the library with him. He reminded himself that she belonged out there with Potter, drowning the voice in the back of his head that protested.
"Do you want to cage me in?" Lily asked. Severus felt himself going red and cursed his weakness. Now that she'd found him out, he knew she wouldn't listen to anything he has to say about Potter.
"No," he told her, "I want to set you free."
He wanted to set her free? By Merlin's beard, where'd he come up with that? Lily was watching him; he felt weak. Sentimental clichés seemed to be leaking from him uncontrollably. Lily’s other hand found the opposite side of his face, as she looked at him straight on. Her face was dangerously close to his.
"Then set me free." Lily whispered.
The next thing Severus knew was that Lily's lips were very soft and warm. The lipstick she had on tasted vaguely of cinnamon. Severus knew that he should be worried about the red marks on left on his face and neck by her kisses. However, all he could think is that there must be some kind of mistake because Lily Evans couldn't possibly be kissing Severus Snape. She was, though, and he didn't exactly care that this wasn't supposed to be happening.
In his fantasies, Lily always told Severus that he was better than Potter. In reality, he didn't need her to say it, because the way little sighs escaped her lips and she crawled into his lap, pressing her body against his, was reassuring enough. The logical part of his brain knew that she would regret this in the morning, possibly before then, but he couldn't keep himself from hoping that maybe she wouldn't. Maybe this would be enough and she'd understand what he couldn't tell her with words. Maybe it really would be like his fantasies and she'd finally embrace everything that could be.
Whatever was going to happen tomorrow, or in an hour, or even in five minutes, Severus' hands were now clasped around Lily's waist and he was debating whether moving them upwards would jolt her into realizing what she was doing. It didn't matter, because Lily was pushing him back onto the floor, her body covering his, and his hands slid up her back all on their own. He could feel the line of her spine beneath her thin sweater. Lily's pulled back hair was beginning to escape its confines and fall in her face and Severus brushed it away, their kissing growing feverish.
Apparently kissing was one of those things that just came naturally. That, or Lily knew what she was doing enough for the both of them. Severus had always worried that he'd make a terrible mess of it, should he ever get the opportunity to kiss someone. In any case, Severus thought that he must be doing alright from Lily’s reactions, and he knew that she's doing more than alright from his perspective. Lily ground her hips slightly against his, and Severus couldn't help but respond in kind. Lily quivered and took hold of Severus' hands guiding them up to her breasts, whispering, "Touch me."
Severus didn’t give her time to change her mind. Despite being an eager teenage boy, Severus' hands were skillful, fully appreciating the round perfection of Lily's breasts. He could feel the stiffness of her nipples through her clothing and Lily moaned and broke their kiss to pull her sweater over her head. She recaptured his lips, as she placed his hands at the clasp of her lacy pink bra.
"Please," she said.
Severus unhooked her bra, sliding it off her shoulders to join her sweater on the floor, and was rewarded with her bare breasts, every bit as lovely as he possibly could have imagined. He slid his hands around to the front, cupping them and running his index fingers over her pink nipples. Lily pressed her hips down into his, throwing her head back, and Severus's mouth closed on her exposed neck, sucking lightly. Lily ground harder, her hands tugging upwards at his shirt. He lifted his back and let her pull his shirt over his head. Then she lay back down, pressing her bare skin to his. The sensation of her naked chest against his sent chills through his body.
Severus could not believe what was happening. He was touching her, seeing her half naked. Lily must have been able to feel how aroused he was getting, yet she didn't seem to mind. She continued to move against him. He couldn’t help thinking that this was too fortuitous, that it could easily be a joke; she had to be setting him up. Severus had never thought Lily was the type of person to do something like that, but one could never be too wary. Severus was really starting to worry himself, but then Lily's hands moved to the top of his pants and start to undo them and he lost the train of thought.
Severus lifted his hips to allow Lily to pull off his pants, his hands settling to rest where her skirt have been but apparently it had ridden up, and his hands found bare thigh instead. Lily placed one hand over his and started to move it upwards. Severus followed her lead, tracing patterns on her skin as his hand moved upwards, and Lily reached back down, tracing the outline of his erection through his underwear, a hungry look in her eyes. Severus' hands caressed her bottom and one reached to unzip her skirt, which he slid down her legs, and she didn’t just let him. She slid her hand inside of his underwear in response. Severus bit his lip to keep from crying out.
Severus wanted to make Lily feel what she was making him feel. He massaged her inner thigh, fingers just brushing against the edge of her panties, unsure of how to proceed. He felt how damp they were and dared to run a finger up the front of them. Lily responded by pushing her hips forward against his hand and rubbing his erection more forcefully. He buried his face in her neck, muffling any sound that might escape his mouth. His fingers slid under the sides of her panties and he looked up at her for approval
Lily met his eye and mouthed the word yes and Severus pulled down her panties, revealing the last of her to his eyes. Lily leaned, giving him a better view, and then fell onto her back, pulling him over on top of her. There was only his worn out old underwear between them. Severus kissed Lily's shoulders and then downwards, his mouth capturing one of her nipples. She gave a high pitched moan, pressing her wet entrance against him. He switched to the other nipple, sucking a little harder, and she moved to divest him of his last remaining item of clothing.
Severus couldn't believe she hadn't run away yet, that she was really still there. He replaced his mouth with his hands at her breasts and kissed her again. Lily ran her hand along his length with one hand; the other moving to his backside, pulling him down towards her. This was really happening. Severus Snape was about to have sex with Lily Evans on the library floor. Lily guided him till he was pressed right against her entrance and then murmured, "I need you."
Regrets be damned. If she was giving in that night then he could too, right? It would be all right to just let things go for a little while, this last night, before he committed to a life of hyper vigilance. He pushed forward, both of them exhaling sharply as her entered her. The sensation of her hot tight walls all around him warranted all the hype around sex that he had scoffed at previously Lily spread her legs wider, pushing up so that he was farther inside of her
"Oh Severus…" she moaned, circling her hips wantonly, " I didn't know it could feel this...."
Her words gave way to incoherent moans. He silenced her with his mouth, their tongues moving in time with their hips. Apparently he did have something over James, and that added to his excitement. She wrapped one leg around him, and Severus could not contain his exclamations as he ploughed into her over and over again. Lily gave a strangled cry as her muscles spasmed and she pulled him tightly against her.
After a moment, Lily pushed him away from her and onto his back. Severus thought she was going to leave him with a raging hard on, but then she straddled him, sliding down onto his erection and beginning to move again. Severus could see himself sliding in and out of Lily and the sight was surprisingly erotic. He propped himself up on one elbow so that he could reach her breasts with his mouth and began to tease one, flicking his tongue across the nipple. Lily cried out, he assumed in pleasure, and rode him more desperately when he grazed the nipple lightly with his teeth. He moved on, leaving red blotches across her chest and neck in his ardor.
Severus could hold back no longer, between the actual sensations of her moving around him, the sound of the moans coming from her mouth, and the way she looked riding him like this, "I'm going to..." he stammered.
"Oh yes Severus!" she gasped, "I want you to."
With those words, she met his thrust with added enthusiasm and pressed her whole body flush with his, driving him over the edge.
They laid there for a moment and then Severus felt something wet against his shoulder blade. Lily was crying.
"Lily?" he asked hesitantly.
"You must think I am such a slut now," she sobbed, getting up and turning away.
"No, listen. That was amazing, you're amazing..."
"But I... I..."
Severus scooted behind her, his body pressed against her back.
"You need to let go of these silly ideas that tie you down," he said. This insanity was clearly part of her Muggle mindset.
"The same could be said of you," Lily said in a hushed voice, and he knew it was her way of asking him to give in and renounce the vows he was about to make.
“They’re holding you back, Lily,” He murmured, burying his face in her hair.
“Then show me I’m wrong. Show me a more enlightened way. Don’t make us enemies when we next meet.”
Severus wanted to tell her that he would, but he knew she wanted him to join the other side, knew she wanted him to fight for a cause he didn’t believe in. “It’s not that simple.” He replied, “The people you surround yourself with are reinforcing that kind of garbage, encouraging you to hate yourself. They are the ones holding you back.”
“The same could be said of you! Let go of these medieval notions. The world doesn’t have to be a battleground.” Lily’s eyes were brimming with tears but they only further convinced Severus that she was deluded. She couldn’t see the true state of things. Life was war; anyone who told you differently was either naïve or lying. Severus clung to Lily’s warm body, knowing that they would never reach an accord; she was going to marry Potter and forget all about this night.
“If you ever grow up and realize the truth about things, if you ever stop dreaming your fairytales about how it should be, if you ever want real power and truth…” he whispered in her ear.
Lily pulled away from him, grabbing her discarded clothing. “I can’t believe you, Severus Snape. You’re so narrow-minded. You won’t even listen to me when I’m trying to keep you from hurting yourself. You don’t care about me; you don’t even care about yourself! I’m just some sort of contest to win.”
Severus watched helplessly as she pulled her sweater over her head, already on the way to the door. “Well I won’t be won, Severus,” she cried. “You can go to hell for all I care. Don’t blame me when you realize your mistake. I tried to warn you… but all you cared about was winning the game, recruiting another member for your sick sadistic cult, taking me away from James…”
Suddenly she whirled back around to face him, bubbling with righteous anger and wounded sentiment, “To think I actually believed there was something worthwhile inside you. You’re right Severus: I have been naïve, naïve to think you were anything more than a brainwashed, power hungry…”
Her speech was halted by her sobs. She bolted to the door. She looked back at Severus with a look of horror that he would remember forever. Then she left, and he was naked and alone in the library, with the same grim future ahead of him as there had been before he’d stumbled upon Lily Evans. He didn’t call after her. The last thing he wanted to show her was desperation; besides, he couldn’t think of anything to say that would make a difference.
As he carefully picked his pants up off the floor, he told himself to shape up and be glad that this part of his life was done with. He was a man now, and he didn’t need a stupid girl like Evans to make him worthwhile. He was going to join an important cause and do important things. So what if no one liked him; he suspected no one exactly liked their Lord either.
Yes. Achievements like his required the kind of sacrifices that other people were unwilling to make. They meant giving up things like the scent of Lily’s hair and noticing the way her breath hitched when his thumb brushed against the back of her neck. It meant not getting distracted by the way that her nose wrinkled when she was concentrating on a particularly difficult bit of arithmancy. The quest for greatness meant that he would of course choose his cause over the satisfaction of his lower desires.
It had been madness thinking that she could ever help. Greatness had to be attained alone, if it was to be attained at all. Companionship was merely a distraction.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Snape/Lily
Rating: R
Word Count: 3,822
Summary: The night before they leave Hogwarts, Snape stumbles across Lily in the library.
Written for
eruwen310780. Sorry it took me almost 6 months to get this finished.Much thanks to
juushika for the wonderful beta job.When Severus left the leaving feast early he thought it was only appropriate. It was after all the Leaving Feast. Indeed, he was eager to leave. Apparently he wasn't the only one, he observed as he walked past others huddled together in corners. Severus found his way to the library, suspecting that there wouldn't be anyone there. Initially he thought his prediction was correct, but then he saw the familiar glint of red hair. Lily Evans was huddled in a corner, face buried in a book. Severus was about to turn around and continue searching for solitude but at that moment she looked up.
Too late, Severus realized as a gentle smile played across her lips. He noticed they were stained a deep crimson rather than their customary natural pink. Why had she gone to the trouble to get all done up and then fled the feast to hide in a book? It was a sad sort of smile, one that begged kindness. Had any of his friends, or hers for that matter, been present, Severus would have crushed that gentle hope, but instead he sat down where she indicated. Tomorrow they were leaving Hogwarts forever. It wasn't like he'd even see her again. They still hadn't said anything, but that suited Severus just fine. Later in his life, he would perfect the use of words as weapons, but at this point they still turned against him most of the time. No, silence was better, silence and equations and certainties.
Evans was watching him. She had put on eye makeup as well as lipstick, but it was smeared. What are you up to, Evans? Severus wondered. She generally faced the world without any of that feminine nonsense. He wasn't sure what he had gotten himself into. Her hand curled around his own. He inwardly flinched, but outwardly appeared calm. He tried to remember the last time someone had touched him intentionally, other than when throwing a punch. His mother had long since stopped trying; since, he’d made it clear that her touch was hateful to him. Lily's thumb traced gentle circles on his wrist.
Evans was a Mudblood. She would see the step he was going to take tomorrow as a commitment to destroy her kind ... his kind. That was the verbiage, but Severus saw that it was something else. The abomination was Evans' ridiculous attachment to her tainted flesh. Severus did everything possible to cleanse himself of the imprint his filthy Muggle father had left on him. He no more thought of it as self-hate than a penitent Catholic thinks scourging himself is sinful. But Evans held fast to the Muggle part of her identity.
Severus remembered when he had found signs that she had wizarding ancestors. He had been young and naïve enough to think she would be pleased. Instead she'd snapped that she didn’t care about blood and she wasn’t going to be any more proud of wizarding heritage than she was of her Muggle ancestry. Perhaps he might have tried harder, but Severus' pride was brittle and would book no such abuse. Still, it was a waste, Severus thought. Together they could have been great, possibly found the cure for lycanthropy. Working well with others has never been his strong point though, so he had tossed it out long ago, along with the disgusting reality of his Muggle origins.
I should leave, he thought, as Lily leaned her head against him. He lacked the words to make her change, to make her understand. It could have been an awe-inspiring werewolf-less future. Instead there is was only the imminent departure of Lily Evans from Severus Snape's world. The thing to do was to hasten that end, to have it be it right here and right now. Except, Lily's breath was hot on his neck. She looked up at him, her eyes wild and bright, locking onto his, which are burned out and beaten down.
"James wants to marry me." she said.
Severus wanted to punch something. Potter was going to get everything he ever wanted, and Severus couldn't stand it. Except, if Potter had proposed, why was Lily hiding in the library with a tearstained face? It didn't make any sense, unless she had refused him. Severus immediately felt better, although he wasn't sure why. He did love the idea of Potter being rejected, but that hardly accounted for his feeling of glee. Besides, even if Lily, if Evans, had refused him, it's not like it's a final answer, he reminded himself. Severus knew she’d sworn she'd rather date the giant squid than James Potter...yet clearly she’d changed her mind on that decision or James wouldn't be proposing. Of course she had, Severus had seen them, seen Evans’ body oriented towards Potter’s, leaning in towards Potter like she was leaning in towards him now. Only he is not Potter.
Potter likes to keep her down. He likes her to stay handicapped and weak, so that she needs him. That way he can feel like a hero. Truth is, Evans let herself be held in; if she wanted to, she could best Potter. Severus wished she would.
"If you're expecting that I am going to tell you I think it's wonderful, you are going to be disappointed." he replied, staring at the ground. He should have left already.
Lily's lips brushed up against his skin, "That isn't want I want from you." she murmured.
Severus wasn't sure if he wanted to hit her or whether he wanted something else entirely. "What is it you do want from me then, Evans?" he asked, exasperated, moving away from her.
“We’re graduating,” Lily said. “From now on, our choices matter.”
“They've always mattered,” he snapped back.
“It’s not too late.” she told him, and suddenly he knew what it is she wanted. She was asking too much, prompted no doubt by her misguided ideas about the world.
“No, it’s isn’t.” He replied, with a very different intention than the gentle one she was suggesting. She wanted him to relinquish his cause, but he responded as if she was offering to change sides instead. It was true that she could still change her mind, even though he suspected she would not.
“Why are you choosing a path that means you have to hate me?”
“It doesn’t have to be like that. You could change it. Talent is always rewarded.” Severus insisted, desperately willing her to free herself of the silly ideals that were holding her back. Greatness was at their fingertips.
“So could you,” she pleaded, grasping his hand .
“What? So I can dance at your wedding to Potter?”
“Forget about James. This isn’t about him.”
“It is about him. You’re trying to turn me into him,” he retorted, turning away from her.
“No. Honestly Severus, I’m not.”
“What are you doing then? Who do you think you are to come in and try and change everything about me? I don’t want to change you. Don’t you see that’s what Potter’s trying to do?”
“James loves me.” Lily insisted, but Severus found some satisfaction in the way her voice faltered ever so slightly. She was sure of James’ feelings for her, but the slight hesitation betrayed that she wasn't so sure she felt the same way about him.
“If he loves you, how can he want you to give up your future?”
“How do you know he does?
“How can I not? He wants to tie you down to a house and baby. Don’t you want more from the world than that?”
“So that’s your advice. Stay away from men because they are always going to want to cage me in?”
“Not all men.” Severus felt his dignity evaporating. Why hadn’t he had the good sense to get away from her before it was too late?
Lily reached her hand out towards him, thumb tracing the line of his jaw. Severus wondered if this was what she was like with Potter. He wondered what it would be like to be Potter, to be with Lily. In the dim light, her lips looked blood red, like a warning. Severus knew he shouldn't be here. Lily Evans wasn't going to change for him. She probably wouldn't even be talking to him if she weren’t so distraught. Her green eyes flashed like the jeweled eyes on the serpent mosaic in the Slytherin common room, the eyes that always seem to be watching.
Severus didn't know much about girls. Generally they were more inclined to laugh at him than anything else. Lily had always been different, but Severus still couldn’t trust her presence here in the library with him. He reminded himself that she belonged out there with Potter, drowning the voice in the back of his head that protested.
"Do you want to cage me in?" Lily asked. Severus felt himself going red and cursed his weakness. Now that she'd found him out, he knew she wouldn't listen to anything he has to say about Potter.
"No," he told her, "I want to set you free."
He wanted to set her free? By Merlin's beard, where'd he come up with that? Lily was watching him; he felt weak. Sentimental clichés seemed to be leaking from him uncontrollably. Lily’s other hand found the opposite side of his face, as she looked at him straight on. Her face was dangerously close to his.
"Then set me free." Lily whispered.
The next thing Severus knew was that Lily's lips were very soft and warm. The lipstick she had on tasted vaguely of cinnamon. Severus knew that he should be worried about the red marks on left on his face and neck by her kisses. However, all he could think is that there must be some kind of mistake because Lily Evans couldn't possibly be kissing Severus Snape. She was, though, and he didn't exactly care that this wasn't supposed to be happening.
In his fantasies, Lily always told Severus that he was better than Potter. In reality, he didn't need her to say it, because the way little sighs escaped her lips and she crawled into his lap, pressing her body against his, was reassuring enough. The logical part of his brain knew that she would regret this in the morning, possibly before then, but he couldn't keep himself from hoping that maybe she wouldn't. Maybe this would be enough and she'd understand what he couldn't tell her with words. Maybe it really would be like his fantasies and she'd finally embrace everything that could be.
Whatever was going to happen tomorrow, or in an hour, or even in five minutes, Severus' hands were now clasped around Lily's waist and he was debating whether moving them upwards would jolt her into realizing what she was doing. It didn't matter, because Lily was pushing him back onto the floor, her body covering his, and his hands slid up her back all on their own. He could feel the line of her spine beneath her thin sweater. Lily's pulled back hair was beginning to escape its confines and fall in her face and Severus brushed it away, their kissing growing feverish.
Apparently kissing was one of those things that just came naturally. That, or Lily knew what she was doing enough for the both of them. Severus had always worried that he'd make a terrible mess of it, should he ever get the opportunity to kiss someone. In any case, Severus thought that he must be doing alright from Lily’s reactions, and he knew that she's doing more than alright from his perspective. Lily ground her hips slightly against his, and Severus couldn't help but respond in kind. Lily quivered and took hold of Severus' hands guiding them up to her breasts, whispering, "Touch me."
Severus didn’t give her time to change her mind. Despite being an eager teenage boy, Severus' hands were skillful, fully appreciating the round perfection of Lily's breasts. He could feel the stiffness of her nipples through her clothing and Lily moaned and broke their kiss to pull her sweater over her head. She recaptured his lips, as she placed his hands at the clasp of her lacy pink bra.
"Please," she said.
Severus unhooked her bra, sliding it off her shoulders to join her sweater on the floor, and was rewarded with her bare breasts, every bit as lovely as he possibly could have imagined. He slid his hands around to the front, cupping them and running his index fingers over her pink nipples. Lily pressed her hips down into his, throwing her head back, and Severus's mouth closed on her exposed neck, sucking lightly. Lily ground harder, her hands tugging upwards at his shirt. He lifted his back and let her pull his shirt over his head. Then she lay back down, pressing her bare skin to his. The sensation of her naked chest against his sent chills through his body.
Severus could not believe what was happening. He was touching her, seeing her half naked. Lily must have been able to feel how aroused he was getting, yet she didn't seem to mind. She continued to move against him. He couldn’t help thinking that this was too fortuitous, that it could easily be a joke; she had to be setting him up. Severus had never thought Lily was the type of person to do something like that, but one could never be too wary. Severus was really starting to worry himself, but then Lily's hands moved to the top of his pants and start to undo them and he lost the train of thought.
Severus lifted his hips to allow Lily to pull off his pants, his hands settling to rest where her skirt have been but apparently it had ridden up, and his hands found bare thigh instead. Lily placed one hand over his and started to move it upwards. Severus followed her lead, tracing patterns on her skin as his hand moved upwards, and Lily reached back down, tracing the outline of his erection through his underwear, a hungry look in her eyes. Severus' hands caressed her bottom and one reached to unzip her skirt, which he slid down her legs, and she didn’t just let him. She slid her hand inside of his underwear in response. Severus bit his lip to keep from crying out.
Severus wanted to make Lily feel what she was making him feel. He massaged her inner thigh, fingers just brushing against the edge of her panties, unsure of how to proceed. He felt how damp they were and dared to run a finger up the front of them. Lily responded by pushing her hips forward against his hand and rubbing his erection more forcefully. He buried his face in her neck, muffling any sound that might escape his mouth. His fingers slid under the sides of her panties and he looked up at her for approval
Lily met his eye and mouthed the word yes and Severus pulled down her panties, revealing the last of her to his eyes. Lily leaned, giving him a better view, and then fell onto her back, pulling him over on top of her. There was only his worn out old underwear between them. Severus kissed Lily's shoulders and then downwards, his mouth capturing one of her nipples. She gave a high pitched moan, pressing her wet entrance against him. He switched to the other nipple, sucking a little harder, and she moved to divest him of his last remaining item of clothing.
Severus couldn't believe she hadn't run away yet, that she was really still there. He replaced his mouth with his hands at her breasts and kissed her again. Lily ran her hand along his length with one hand; the other moving to his backside, pulling him down towards her. This was really happening. Severus Snape was about to have sex with Lily Evans on the library floor. Lily guided him till he was pressed right against her entrance and then murmured, "I need you."
Regrets be damned. If she was giving in that night then he could too, right? It would be all right to just let things go for a little while, this last night, before he committed to a life of hyper vigilance. He pushed forward, both of them exhaling sharply as her entered her. The sensation of her hot tight walls all around him warranted all the hype around sex that he had scoffed at previously Lily spread her legs wider, pushing up so that he was farther inside of her
"Oh Severus…" she moaned, circling her hips wantonly, " I didn't know it could feel this...."
Her words gave way to incoherent moans. He silenced her with his mouth, their tongues moving in time with their hips. Apparently he did have something over James, and that added to his excitement. She wrapped one leg around him, and Severus could not contain his exclamations as he ploughed into her over and over again. Lily gave a strangled cry as her muscles spasmed and she pulled him tightly against her.
After a moment, Lily pushed him away from her and onto his back. Severus thought she was going to leave him with a raging hard on, but then she straddled him, sliding down onto his erection and beginning to move again. Severus could see himself sliding in and out of Lily and the sight was surprisingly erotic. He propped himself up on one elbow so that he could reach her breasts with his mouth and began to tease one, flicking his tongue across the nipple. Lily cried out, he assumed in pleasure, and rode him more desperately when he grazed the nipple lightly with his teeth. He moved on, leaving red blotches across her chest and neck in his ardor.
Severus could hold back no longer, between the actual sensations of her moving around him, the sound of the moans coming from her mouth, and the way she looked riding him like this, "I'm going to..." he stammered.
"Oh yes Severus!" she gasped, "I want you to."
With those words, she met his thrust with added enthusiasm and pressed her whole body flush with his, driving him over the edge.
They laid there for a moment and then Severus felt something wet against his shoulder blade. Lily was crying.
"Lily?" he asked hesitantly.
"You must think I am such a slut now," she sobbed, getting up and turning away.
"No, listen. That was amazing, you're amazing..."
"But I... I..."
Severus scooted behind her, his body pressed against her back.
"You need to let go of these silly ideas that tie you down," he said. This insanity was clearly part of her Muggle mindset.
"The same could be said of you," Lily said in a hushed voice, and he knew it was her way of asking him to give in and renounce the vows he was about to make.
“They’re holding you back, Lily,” He murmured, burying his face in her hair.
“Then show me I’m wrong. Show me a more enlightened way. Don’t make us enemies when we next meet.”
Severus wanted to tell her that he would, but he knew she wanted him to join the other side, knew she wanted him to fight for a cause he didn’t believe in. “It’s not that simple.” He replied, “The people you surround yourself with are reinforcing that kind of garbage, encouraging you to hate yourself. They are the ones holding you back.”
“The same could be said of you! Let go of these medieval notions. The world doesn’t have to be a battleground.” Lily’s eyes were brimming with tears but they only further convinced Severus that she was deluded. She couldn’t see the true state of things. Life was war; anyone who told you differently was either naïve or lying. Severus clung to Lily’s warm body, knowing that they would never reach an accord; she was going to marry Potter and forget all about this night.
“If you ever grow up and realize the truth about things, if you ever stop dreaming your fairytales about how it should be, if you ever want real power and truth…” he whispered in her ear.
Lily pulled away from him, grabbing her discarded clothing. “I can’t believe you, Severus Snape. You’re so narrow-minded. You won’t even listen to me when I’m trying to keep you from hurting yourself. You don’t care about me; you don’t even care about yourself! I’m just some sort of contest to win.”
Severus watched helplessly as she pulled her sweater over her head, already on the way to the door. “Well I won’t be won, Severus,” she cried. “You can go to hell for all I care. Don’t blame me when you realize your mistake. I tried to warn you… but all you cared about was winning the game, recruiting another member for your sick sadistic cult, taking me away from James…”
Suddenly she whirled back around to face him, bubbling with righteous anger and wounded sentiment, “To think I actually believed there was something worthwhile inside you. You’re right Severus: I have been naïve, naïve to think you were anything more than a brainwashed, power hungry…”
Her speech was halted by her sobs. She bolted to the door. She looked back at Severus with a look of horror that he would remember forever. Then she left, and he was naked and alone in the library, with the same grim future ahead of him as there had been before he’d stumbled upon Lily Evans. He didn’t call after her. The last thing he wanted to show her was desperation; besides, he couldn’t think of anything to say that would make a difference.
As he carefully picked his pants up off the floor, he told himself to shape up and be glad that this part of his life was done with. He was a man now, and he didn’t need a stupid girl like Evans to make him worthwhile. He was going to join an important cause and do important things. So what if no one liked him; he suspected no one exactly liked their Lord either.
Yes. Achievements like his required the kind of sacrifices that other people were unwilling to make. They meant giving up things like the scent of Lily’s hair and noticing the way her breath hitched when his thumb brushed against the back of her neck. It meant not getting distracted by the way that her nose wrinkled when she was concentrating on a particularly difficult bit of arithmancy. The quest for greatness meant that he would of course choose his cause over the satisfaction of his lower desires.
It had been madness thinking that she could ever help. Greatness had to be attained alone, if it was to be attained at all. Companionship was merely a distraction.
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-14 10:18 am (UTC)And yes, hurts good. especially to think it might well be the last thing lily ever said to severus, who is... just so real, with his hopelessly twisted ideals, the way the rationale winds itself around the irrefutable fact that the dark lord might very well destroy them all.
much utter love!
also, the sex was good, a little rushed as would be expected in a public or semi-public library, no wallowing and such :) you definitely deserve a big ice-cream, and then some.
♥ ♥ ♥
no subject
Date: 2006-06-14 03:23 pm (UTC)It was an amazing learning experience to have to figure out what Severus could have been thinking when he joined the Death Eater Ranks and how he would have justified it.
Glad you felt the sex worked. Lily kept trying to be a porn star and saying and doing the most cliche things and my beta and I had a hard time reigning her in... apparently she's just a little slut.